Extremely Strange Parody Of Several Horror Stories
by Bellini Girl
Summary: Will and Elizabeth POTC host a Halloween party in the grounds of a haunted house...starring Freddy Kreuger, Edward Scissorhands, the Daleks, the Mothman, Samara and many, many more! Enjoy!
1. Default Chapter

An Extremely Strange Parody Of Several Horror Stories  
  
For an unspecified but, I'm sure, completely unlikely and implausible reason, Will Turner and Elizabeth had decided to throw a Halloween party. On the front lawn of a haunted house. Opposite a cemetery. Where there have been several previous serial killings, horrible accidents etc, which all just happen to have their hundredth anniversary on that very night.  
  
Like I said, their reason for this is probably completely implausible.  
  
Oh, and did I mention the Ouija board? And the fact that they would be playing truth or dare?  
  
"So, who did you invite?" asked Will in between blowing up orange balloons and drawing on scary faces. Or, at least, they were meant to be scary.  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Everyone. Will, I thought I told you to make them scary."  
  
"I did."  
  
"He looks like he's stoned. Or asleep."  
  
"He's grimacing evilly. Look!" Will held up the balloon and twisted his face into the corresponding expression.  
  
"Fine, fine, if you say so." Elizabeth finished poking cocktail sticks through the sausages and finished blowing up the balloons. "Oh, no, someone's here already!" She dropped the streamers she was holding and ran over to the gate that Will had built.  
  
"Hello," said the Commodore, stepping through the gate.  
  
"Oh, hi, so glad you could come," said Elizabeth. Will grabbed her and pulled her aside.  
  
"Why the hell did you invite him?" he hissed as the Commodore examined the finger-food.  
  
"Why shouldn't I?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"Because, he wanted to execute Jack, because he hates me, because he's your ex-fiancé..." Will trailed off.  
  
"And?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"You need more reasons?" asked Will incredulously.  
  
Elizabeth planted her hands on her hips. "Well, I did invite him, and I'm not going to just tell him to go away again, so get over it!" She stomped off to talk to the Commodore.  
  
"Hey, mate, how's it going?" asked Jack.  
  
"Where'd you come from?" asked Will.  
  
"Through the gate, mate. Where else?" asked Jack. "Oh, I brought you a gift!" He presented Will with a bottle of rum.  
  
"Oh, er, thanks."  
  
"Hey," said Trinity and Neo.  
  
"Hey. Who are you?" asked Will.  
  
"Oh, Jack invited us."  
  
"Hey guys!" Jack said enthusiastically.  
  
"How do you know each other?"  
  
"Oh, we met in a bar."  
  
Will nodded. That made sense.  
  
"Hi," said Gimli, who was looking remarkably clean-shaven.  
  
"Wow, where's your beard? Your chin's completely bald!" said Elizabeth.  
  
"I know," said Gimli through gritted teeth.  
  
"Why so pissed off?" asked Will.  
  
"It's not voluntary," said Gimli.  
  
"Hey, who else is coming?" asked Jack.  
  
"Don't know. Elizabeth!"  
  
Elizabeth turned round. "What?"  
  
"Who else is coming?"  
  
"Oh.....er......a couple of my friends from Middle Earth, some Agent Smiths- "  
  
"Agent Smiths?" said Neo nervously.  
  
"Yeah. And my dad."  
  
"No......" moaned Will.  
  
"What's wrong with my dad?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"He calls me 'Blacky Boy'," said Will.  
  
"What? It's a term of endearment," protested Elizabeth. "He likes you really."  
  
"Enough to hide my inhaler, then laugh and say that it was just a joke after I'd fainted from lack of oxygen?" said Will sarcastically.  
  
"Well, Daddy has a funny sense of humour. I mean, it was kind of funny that time that he took out a full-page ad in the newspaper saying that I was only marrying you because I felt sorry for you because you were a eunuch," said Elizabeth.  
  
"He did what?" shrieked Will.  
  
"Oh.....you didn't know about that?" asked Elizabeth sheepishly. "Oooops."  
  
"That bastard!"  
  
"Will, darling..." said Elizabeth quietly.  
  
"No, really. The man is twisted. And he always wears that stupid, stupid wig, and those awful floral waistcoats, and he's such a.....he's right behind me, isn't he?" said Will painfully.  
  
"Hello," said Governor Swann, complete with icy glare.  
  
"Governor! I was only.....err...I was only....." stuttered Will.  
  
"Save it, Blacky Boy. Commodore! How are you?"  
  
"Fine, thank you," said the Commodore. Suddenly the phone rang. 


	2. Chapter 2 the insanity continues

"I'll get it!" said Elizabeth cheerily. "Hello?"  
  
"What's your favourite scary movie?" said a crackly voice down the phone.  
  
"Oh, I don't know-Jeepers Creepers had Justin Long in, which is always a bonus, but then Nightmare on Elm Street was really, really scary, but then again, Psycho was good-"  
  
"No, no, I don't think you quite get this," said the voice. "You're meant to scream and panic."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that," said Elizabeth.  
  
"All right, I'm going to hang up, then call you back, then you can try again," said the voice patiently. "OK?"  
  
"Yeah. Bye." Elizabeth put the phone down. Seconds later it rang again.  
  
"Hello?" she chirped down the phone.  
  
"What's your favourite scary movie?" said the voice again.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"Hello?" repeated Elizabeth.  
  
There was a sigh at the other end of the line. "What did we just talk about?"  
  
"Oh, sorry, I forgot. Shall I try again?"  
  
"Yes, you do that. And get it right this time. Scream."  
  
"OK." She hung up again. The phone started to ring.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"What's your favourite scary movie?"  
  
"Well, I've thought about it, and my favourite scary movie is definitely Scream!" said Elizabeth brightly.  
  
"No!" screamed the voice exasperatedly. "You're meant to actually scream, not to choose it as your favourite movie!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry!" yelped Elizabeth. "Give me one more chance!"  
  
The voice sighed impatiently. "OK. From the top."  
  
Elizabeth hung up. Once again the phone began to ring.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"What's your favourite scary movie?" said the voice, before hissing "And you'd better bloody scream this time!"  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"That's better," praised the voice, before remembering the reason why he was phoning. "Right, now ask who I am."  
  
"Who am I?"  
  
"No, me! You want to ask who I am."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Say 'Who are you?'" said the voice slowly.  
  
"I'm Elizabeth," said Elizabeth.  
  
"No! Say 'Who are you?' Those exact words."  
  
"Who are you?" asked Elizabeth obediently.  
  
"Guess."  
  
"Dad? Mr Gibbs? The guy with the talking parrot?"  
  
"No, you're not supposed to actually guess! You're meant to ask where I am!" said the voice.  
  
"Oh. Where are you?"  
  
"Look in the front room."  
  
"OK." Elizabeth hung up, put the phone down and started walking towards the house. Suddenly the phone rang again.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"You're meant to take the phone with you, dumbass."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." She hung up again, tucked the phone into her pocket and headed towards the house again, before the phone started to ring again.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"You're also meant to stay on the line."  
  
"Oh. Why?"  
  
"For dramatic effect."  
  
"Oh. OK." She slowly made her way towards the house, still clutching the phone to her ear.  
  
"Do you have a boyfriend?" asked the voice.  
  
"Yeah. His name's Will, he's the best-"  
  
"No, you're not meant to tell me his name! I'm meant to tell you what his name is later, to scare you by the depth of my knowledge!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry."  
  
"All right, now let's try again. Do you have a boyfriend?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Is his name Will?"  
  
There was another silence.  
  
"Now you're meant to freak out because you don't know how I know your boyfriend's name."  
  
"Oh. But I just told you what his name was."  
  
"Just pretend you didn't tell me, and that I managed to find out all by myself."  
  
"Oh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"Very good. Much better. Now ask how I know that."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"Look in the front room."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just do it! Your boyfriend's in there." Elizabeth peered through the glass nervously. Jack had both his feet tied to the radiator and was working his way through a bottle of rum. Upon seeing Elizabeth, he waved cheerfully, before returning to the rum.  
  
"That's not my boyfriend."  
  
"It isn't? Oh, dammit!" said the voice, abandoning all attempts at sounding mysterious, before hanging up.  
  
"Oh well," said Elizabeth to herself, putting the phone back in the cradle.  
  
"Who was it?" asked Will, taking a bite out of a gingerbread witch.  
  
"I dunno," said Elizabeth, before heading over to the food table. 


	3. And just as you thought it couldn't get ...

"So, what do you want to do now?" asked Will.  
  
"Truth or dare!" cheered everybody.  
  
"Well, I think that settles it," said Elizabeth, pulling out an empty bottle to use and setting it in the centre of the rapidly forming circle of guests.  
  
"Oooooh, me first me first me first!" she squealed, taking hold of the bottle and spinning it. It came to a stop facing towards Legolas.  
  
"Truth or dare?" chanted everyone.  
  
"Truth!" said Legolas decisively.  
  
"Was it you who mixed depilatory cream into my beard shampoo?" asked Gimli, stroking his axe threateningly.  
  
"On second thoughts, dare," said Legolas, swallowing nervously.  
  
"I dare you to fetch something from the attic!" said Frodo.  
  
"Will you guys come with me?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Are you scared?" asked Jack sarcastically.  
  
"Yes," said Legolas defensively.  
  
"Oh. Just so we're clear. How do we get in?"  
  
"There's a broken window in the basement we can climb in through," said Elizabeth, striding off towards the house. Everyone followed her nervously. They all climbed through the broken window without any problem, until Gimli tried to get through.  
  
"Damn window, it must have shrunk!" he squawked angrily, trying to wriggle through the gap.  
  
"Take a deep breath," said Elizabeth, bracing her feet against the floor and pulling hard.  
  
Gimli shot through the window and landed on top of everyone else with a crash.  
  
"Owwwww," muttered Elizabeth, standing up and rubbing her head.  
  
There was the sound of rustling from the corner of the cellar.  
  
"Err...at risk of sounding like the expendable pretty-but-stupid character...what was that?" asked Neo nervously.  
  
"I don't know," said Trinity, striking a match and holding it up.  
  
There was a loud grunt and an enormous tentacled thing hove into the light.  
  
"Oh my god...." gasped Neo.  
  
"Can everyone else see that, or is it just the rum?" asked Jack.  
  
"What is it?" asked Gimli.  
  
"Aaaah! It's Shelob!" shrieked Frodo.  
  
"No! It's that thing off Alien!" yelled Legolas.  
  
"Oh, I don't know...looks more like my mother-in-law to me," said Neo, for which he got a jab in the ribs from Trinity.  
  
The thing snapped its jaws and bore down on them.  
  
There was a girlish shriek.  
  
"Come on Elizabeth, there's no need to scream," said Jack, dodging a flying tentacle.  
  
"I wasn't screaming," said Elizabeth, fumbling around in her pocket.  
  
Will shrieked again, chewing down his fingernails while dodging flying tentacles.  
  
"Oh, for goodness sake," muttered Jack, hurling an empty rum bottle at the thing.  
  
"What are we going to do?" yelled Trinity.  
  
"Get out of the way!" yelled Elizabeth, finally pulling a can of Bug-B-Gone from her pocket and pointing it towards the monster. She pulled the tab and a fog of insect repellent burst out towards it.  
  
"I don't think it's working!" yelled Sam.  
  
"Let me!" Jack grabbed the can of Bug-B-Gone and hurled it down the throat of the thing. It staggered, coughed and spat, before turning on its heel and running up the stairs into the main house.  
  
"Good one," said Will appreciatively.  
  
"Well done, Jack," said the Governor reluctantly, crawling out from under the grand piano where he had been hiding with the Commodore. "Would have done it myself you know, but I'm getting on in years..." He coughed ostentatiously, then looked at his feet.  
  
"Yeah, sure," said Jack. "What's your excuse, Commodore?"  
  
"The bug spray is bad for my pompous hair," said the Commodore, inspecting the said pompous hair with a small hand-mirror.  
  
Will snorted with laughter and the Commodore glared.  
  
"Right, so on with our quest then," said Elizabeth, sensing an impending argument. Everyone climbed up the stairs and peered nervously around the door. Luckily, the monster was nowhere to be seen. The room they had emerged in was small and dingy, with several doors around. 


	4. It does

"Which way do you reckon it is to a staircase up to the attic?" asked Legolas, recoiling from a particularly exotic breed of mould that was growing on the wall.  
  
"Eeeny...meeny...miney...mo...this one!" Jack seized a door labelled 'Bathroom' and pulled it.  
  
The door swung open to reveal Freddy Kreuger sitting on the edge of the bath sharpening his knife-fingers on a grindstone, which was balanced on the toilet seat.  
  
"Someone's in here," he said quickly, standing up and knocking the grindstone onto the floor before slipping on the bathmat and falling backwards into the bath.  
  
"Whoops. Sorry, mate." Jack closed the door again, muffling Freddy's cursing as he tried to get out of the bath without lacerating himself.  
  
"Good call," said Will sarcastically.  
  
"All right, smart guy, you pick a door then," said Jack.  
  
Will carefully selected a door and pushed it open. A great hall was revealed with a great sweeping staircase leading up to the first floor. He gave Jack a smug look.  
  
"Fine," said Jack haughtily, pushing past him into the hall. Everyone followed him as he stamped across the hall. Suddenly there was a crash as the front door flew open and several Daleks rolled in.  
  
"Oh my God, what are you?" asked Will, cowering behind Jack.  
  
"We are the Daleks. Exterminate! Exterminate!"  
  
"Oh my God! What do we do?" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"Defeat them in a massive kung-fu battle!" yelled Neo.  
  
"Pull their plugs out!" yelled Morpheus.  
  
"We are the Daleks. We do not have plugs," said the first Dalek.  
  
"Steal their toilet plunger weapons!" yelled Trinity.  
  
"They are guns! Not toilet plungers!" said the Daleks.  
  
"Really? Because they look a whole lot like toilet-"  
  
"They Are GUNS!"  
  
"Quick! Up the stairs!" yelled Jack.  
  
Everyone followed him up to the first-floor landing.  
  
"Come back! We are the masters of the world!" said the Daleks.  
  
"Well, of the ground floor, at least," said Jack.  
  
"What are you implying?" hissed the first Dalek.  
  
"Well, do you see a pair of legs to climb stairs?" pointed out Jack.  
  
"Earthling! You will pay for this remark! Exterminate!" The Daleks threw  
  
themselves against the bottom step, but failed to mount it.  
  
"Damn it! Someone get a ramp!" shouted one Dalek as the group disappeared round the corner at the top of the stairs.  
  
"Where now?" asked Neo, pausing to examine a suit of armour. "Hey, check this out!"  
  
Legolas snorted disparagingly. "My armour from Helm's Deep was much nicer," he said, walking up to the armour. "Look at it, it's just...vulgar." He kicked the armour, which promptly took offence, grabbed him by the legs and turned him upside down.  
  
"Help! Get off me!" shrieked Legolas.  
  
"Aaaaah! Haunted armour!" screamed Will, throwing a vase at it.  
  
"That's not how you deal with haunted armour!" snorted Jack, seizing two candelabra and beating the helmet with them, making several large dents.  
  
"Help!" screeched Legolas, arms and legs flailing. Suddenly two bottles labelled 'Depilatory Cream-Extra Strong' fell out of his pocket.  
  
"Ah! So the elf was guilty after all!" cackled Gimli, jabbing Legolas with a handy hat stand.  
  
"Ow!" screeched Legolas. "I'm not! I'm not!"  
  
"Then why do you have depilatory cream in your pocket, elf?" asked Gimli, jabbing him again.  
  
"To reshape my eyebrows and de-fuzz my chin and bikini line!" screamed Legolas.  
  
"Ewwwww....." said Trinity.  
  
Neo jumped forwards and high-kicked the armour, knocking the helmet and one arm off.  
  
"Yeah, that's the way!" yelled Jack, abandoning the candelabra and setting about the armour with a coal scuttle. Meanwhile, the helmet was shuffling across the floor. Seconds later, the visor was firmly clamped around Governor Swann's leg.  
  
"Aargh! Get it off, get it off!" yelled the Governor, kicking violently. "Help me, Commodore!"  
  
The Commodore sighed theatrically and paused in the midst of re-styling his hair. "Must I? Wrestling with cursed armour is so bad for my pompous hair."  
  
Elizabeth seized the helmet and arm and cast them over the edge of the gallery. They clattered loudly to the floor, before shaking themselves and chasing the nearest mouse across the room.  
  
The rest of the armour was now bored of Legolas and had dumped him unceremoniously on the floor, before turning its attention to Jack. Or, to be more precise, the rum.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" he screeched, kicking the armour square in the midriff. It stumbled backwards before tripping over Frodo and falling backwards into a nearby broom cupboard. Trinity quickly kicked the door shut and bolted it.  
  
"Wow, this house is full of surprises," she gasped, taking deep breaths.  
  
"As usual, it was all the fault of the elf," said Gimli pointedly. 


	5. RightI can't actually think of a nameumm...

"Hey, guys, look at this!" Jack pushed open a nearby door to reveal a balcony. "Will! Want to try to spit in the pond from here?"  
  
"Always!"  
  
The two men ran out of the door onto the balcony and slammed the door behind them. Everyone else rolled their eyes and started tidying up the hallway.  
  
"Hey, I nearly hit it!" yelled Jack enthusiastically.  
  
"Come on, it was miles off!" protested Will.  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Was!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
Meanwhile, the Mothman had landed behind them and was leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette while he waited for them to notice his presence.  
  
There wasn't much sign of that happening any time soon.  
  
"It was!"  
  
"Wasn't!"  
  
"It was!"  
  
"Oh, you call that spitting? This is spitting!" Will sucked in his cheeks and leaned back in preparation. Unfortunately, at this moment the Mothman grew tired of waiting and tapped him on the shoulder. Will gagged and coughed and gestured for someone to smack him on the back.  
  
Jack ignored him and turned impatiently to face the intruder.  
  
"Yes, what-Oh my god! What are you?"  
  
The Mothman grinned and drew himself up to his full height. Since this was about 9ft, this was quite intimidating.  
  
Jack gibbered and took a step back, pressing against the railings.  
  
It could all have gone very badly at that point, had it not been for Elizabeth.  
  
"Hey guys! Legolas said it's time to keep going...." She threw the door open hard and succeeded in knocking the Mothman over the guardrail of the balcony.  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........" screeched the Mothman, before hitting the surface of the pond with a splash.  
  
"Wow, good shot, Elizabeth!" said Jack, leaning over the balcony rail.  
  
"Thanks. Is he all right?" She pointed at Will, who was leaning on the rail and coughing.  
  
"Yeah. Just choking on his own saliva. As you do." Jack sauntered back into the house. After giving Will a good whack on the back, Elizabeth dragged him inside as well.  
  
"So, where should we go now?" asked Neo.  
  
"Well, we have to find a staircase up to the attic," Trinity pointed out.  
  
"How are we going to do that?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Trial and error," replied Jack confidently, pulling open the nearest door. Edward Scissorhands stumbled out, blinking in the light and rubbing his head.  
  
"Hang on, didn't we just leave you in the bath downstairs?" asked Jack.  
  
"No, that was Freddy Kreuger. This is Edward Scissorhands," said Elizabeth.  
  
"What's the difference?"  
  
"Freddy has knives for hands, Edward has scissors, hence his name," said Trinity patiently.  
  
"I don't follow," said Jack, scratching his head.  
  
"Never mind," sighed Elizabeth.  
  
"Hey, look, you can see where he's missed when he's tried to pick his nose," said Will.  
  
Elizabeth slapped Will round the head. "Be nice, you insolent git!"  
  
"Erm...have you seen Kim anywhere?" asked Edward nervously.  
  
"What's she look like?" asked Jack.  
  
"Slim, tall, blonde, beautiful..." Edward trailed off.  
  
"No, sorry mate. But she's called Eowyn, and she's blonde and sort of pretty. Will she do?"  
  
"Oh, thanks," said Eowyn sarcastically.  
  
"No, sorry," said Edward mournfully.  
  
"How come you can't find her?" asked Trinity sympathetically. She was just over the moon to find someone else who thought that black PVC was at the height of fashion.  
  
"Oh, I upset her. I really shouldn't have tried to poke her boyfriend-I sort of forgot about the scissors." He gestured with his scissorhands, and narrowly avoided slicing off Eowyn's ear. She took a step back and hid behind Legolas.  
  
"Let's just put him back in the cupboard and get the hell out of here," hissed Will, eyeing the scissors nervously.  
  
"No!" said Trinity, elbowing him in the ribs. "I want to keep him."  
  
"He's not a pet," said Neo. "And who knows how long he'll live for? I don't want to be stuck with feeding him for another twenty years once you've got bored of him."  
  
"I won't get bored of him!" she protested angrily.  
  
"Just like you said you wouldn't get bored with the hamsters, the rabbit, all those guinea pigs..."  
  
"I didn't know they would breed!" she said defensively.  
  
"Yes, but who got stuck with feeding them until Morpheus set them loose in the Agent Smith Club Headquarters?"  
  
"Morpheus did what?"  
  
Morpheus crept quietly down the stairs and out of the hall. He didn't particularly want to hang around for this.  
  
"Set them loose in the Agent Smith Club Headquarters. Seriously, you've never seen anything like it. They thought they were rats, and cowered on top of the bar stools while the guinea pigs colonised the toilets. I thought they'd never stop screaming."  
  
"Oh, he'll pay for this," growled Trinity, balling her hands into fists.  
  
"Who? Agent Smith?"  
  
"No. Morpheus."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Sorry to distract you, but we still need to find the next flight of stairs," said Legolas pointedly.  
  
"Oh. Hey, Edward, want to come with us?" asked Trinity.  
  
"Erm...will you help me find Kim?"  
  
"Sure," said Jack, rolling his eyes at Will.  
  
"OK then." 


	6. Is this really meant to be scary? My god...

"Now, which door do we choose?" asked Legolas.  
  
"This one!" said Elizabeth decisively as she pulled it open. An enormous snake slithered out and glared.  
  
"Aaaaargh!" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"It's the basilisk!" yelled Trinity.  
  
"No, it's not," said Legolas. "Hey! Jim! What you doing here?"  
  
The snake lifted its head to look at him. "I live here," he replied.  
  
"No you don't, you live in Mirkwood. In the tree next door to mine," said Legolas.  
  
"I moved here," hissed Jim.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because the giant squirrels took over Mirkwood."  
  
"Giant squirrels?" said Legolas, surprised. "That can't be good."  
  
"How giant are they?" asked Will.  
  
"Huge. They're even bigger than the giant pigeons that have moved into Lothlorien," hissed Jim.  
  
"Uh-oh," muttered Galadriel.  
  
"That's even worse," said Legolas despairingly.  
  
"I'll say," said Galadriel. "They're probably using the Mirror as a bird bath."  
  
"Yep," said Jim happily.  
  
"Hey, maybe this hatch in the ceiling leads to the attic," said Eowyn, seizing the cord dangling from it.  
  
"Only one way to find out," said Jack. "Pull it."  
  
Eowyn tugged hard on the cord and the hatch fell open. Dozens of white fragments of newspaper fell out of it and caused a small snowstorm over Eowyn.  
  
"Ewww...dirt!" she moaned, trying to brush it out of her hair. The fragments kept falling.  
  
"Kim?" said Edward wonderingly, moving to rub his eyes. Trinity placed a restraining hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Trust me, you really don't want to do that," she said.  
  
"Kim?" he said again.  
  
"No. Eowyn. Ay-oh-win," said Eowyn patiently.  
  
"Kim?"  
  
"I give up," said Eowyn.  
  
"Right, who wants to go up there?" asked Trinity.  
  
"I'll go if Jack goes," said Will.  
  
"Good call," said Neo.  
  
"What?" asked Jack.  
  
"Just get up there!" Elizabeth seized Will and Jack's collars and thrust them into the crawl space over the hatch.  
  
"What do you see?" asked Eowyn, as she tried to repel Edward.  
  
"There's just a bunch of old Chinese newspapers up here," called Will.  
  
"Hey! Yo-Chow-Ping died!" said Jack.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"I met him in China."  
  
"I didn't know you could read Chinese," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Man of many talents, I am," said Jack happily.  
  
"So there's nothing up there?" prompted Neo.  
  
"Nope." Jack and Will climbed down from the hatch and shut it again. 


	7. Samara makes her entrance, Edward shreds...

"Who wants to take a guess now?" asked Frodo. Everyone looked at him.  
  
"I think you just volunteered, mate," said Jack. "Pick a door, any door."  
  
"Erm...that one!" Frodo pointed at a door cloaked in cobwebs with about ten rusting keyholes and chains across it.  
  
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"Yes," said Frodo.  
  
"Open it, then," said the Commodore impatiently.  
  
"Hey, guys!" Gimli and Arwen came up the stairs. "We found a video downstairs, so we watched it. And it had a fly that came out of the screen and a storm and a lady looking in a mirror, and then-"  
  
"The phone rang?" finished Trinity.  
  
"Yes, how did you know?" said Arwen.  
  
"Tell me, have you ever seen 'The Ring'?" asked Neo.  
  
"No, is it good?" replied Gimli.  
  
"What about the Ring?" asked Frodo nervously, fiddling with something in his pocket.  
  
"Don't worry, Mr Frodo, you said that you threw the Ring into the chasm, remember?" said Sam soothingly.  
  
"Yes, that's what I said," muttered Frodo sheepishly.  
  
"You didn't?" said Gimli.  
  
"Yep. I kept it," said Frodo, producing the Ring from his pocket.  
  
"Oh great. So now we have the Nazgul and the Dark Lord Sauron on our tails, as well as that freaky little girl with the long dark hair," said Elizabeth sarcastically.  
  
"Not to mention our scissor-handed vandal over there," sniffed the Commodore, glaring at Edward, who was currently shredding the curtains out of frustration. "That wig can never be replaced."  
  
"Look, I said I was sorry, all right?" snapped Edward, moving onto the nearest tapestry.  
  
"And Jim the snake!" chipped in Jack.  
  
"And the Mothman!" yelled Will.  
  
"Don't forget Yo-Chow-Ping!" said Jack.  
  
"I thought he was dead?"  
  
"Yeah. So what? He could still come after that gold I stole off him. You have to watch the quiet ones the most, you know."  
  
"But he's dead," said Elizabeth. "Surely that's pushing the art of being quiet just a little too far?"  
  
"Then there were the giant squirrels, the giant pigeons, the Daleks..." continued Legolas.  
  
"And Agent Smith," said Neo.  
  
"The haunted armour," said Frodo.  
  
"And Freddy Kreuger," said Governor Swann.  
  
"Who?" asked Sam.  
  
"The guy with the knife fingers in the bath downstairs," explained Jack.  
  
"Oh, OK. What about that thing in the basement we sprayed with Bug-B- Gone?" suggested Arwen.  
  
"And that guy who phoned Elizabeth and chained me to the radiator!" pointed out Jack.  
  
"Hey guys, a quick question," said Will. "Where exactly did Freddy end up?" 


	8. Hey, guess what? Who wondered where Fre...

Everyone looked at each other. There was a loud snore from Pippin, who had somehow managed to fall asleep on a nearby sofa.  
  
"Jesus, he can sleep anywhere," said Gimli, amazed.  
  
Suddenly Pippin smiled in his sleep. "Hello, Mr Man in a funny hat," he said to himself in his sleep. "Hey, I like your knife-fingers..."  
  
"Shit!" screamed Elizabeth, running over to wake him up.  
  
"That's not a child, that's a hobbit! Can't you tell the difference, you moron?" Neo shouted.  
  
Pippin sat up. "Hey, I had the strangest dream. A guy in a strange hat with knife-fingers was chasing me. Oh, Neo, he told me to tell you that he tries his best, and to expect a visit when you next have a nap."  
  
"What?" asked Neo nervously.  
  
"Hey, cool," said Trinity. "Go to sleep now!"  
  
"No!" said Neo. "I can never go to sleep again!"  
  
"Oh. Here's some caffeine pills," said Pippin, handing over a small bottle. "They really give you the edge."  
  
"You have sunk to a new low," said Sam disapprovingly.  
  
There was suddenly a loud crash. Frodo has finally mustered up the courage to pull open the door he had chosen to reveal a small boy.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
The boy smiled widely and held out a roll of fabric. "This is for Neo from my friend Spoon Boy. He said he'd know what it meant."  
  
"Err...thanks," said Neo, taking the roll and unravelling it to reveal a bent spoon. "Aaaaaargh! For the love of God, I said I was sorry, leave me alone! Just leave me alone! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..." He trailed off, noticing the strange looks he was getting from everyone. "Erm...so...thank him for this...err...gift...I'm very...err...grateful..." he blustered, blushing bright red.  
  
The little boy nodded and disappeared back into the cupboard, shutting the door behind him.  
  
"What was that about?" asked Trinity.  
  
"Oh, nothing important..." Neo laughed unconvincingly, before quickly changing the subject. "Now, back to finding the attic door. Is this it?" He pushed open the nearest door to reveal a spiral staircase.  
  
"Good job, Neo-" began Trinity.  
  
"Thanks!" said Neo, relieved that the subject seemed to be closed.  
  
"-but this is so not over," she finished, starting up the staircase.  
  
They emerged in a small room containing only a television, window and mouldy rug, as well as an enormous spider web spun in one corner.  
  
"Ewww! I wouldn't want to meet whatever spun that on a dark night," said Elizabeth, poking it with her parasol.  
  
"Hey guys, look!" Gimli pointed at the television screen, which had suddenly turned itself on, filling the room with an unearthly glow.  
  
Everyone peered at the screen, when suddenly an image of a girl crawling through the trees towards the screen with her long dark hair draped over her face appeared.  
  
"That isn't..." said Trinity nervously, as the girl crawled closer.  
  
"It is!" yelled Will.  
  
"It's Samara!" screamed Elizabeth.  
  
"Do something!" screamed Governor Swann.  
  
"Pull the plug out!" shrieked Neo.  
  
"It's not plugged in!" cried Legolas.  
  
Samara was almost at the front of the screen.  
  
"What do we do, what do we do?" screamed Frodo.  
  
"There must be something in the back of the TV that'll cut the picture," reasoned Pippin. "Someone see if they can find it!"  
  
"I got it!" Jack seized the television and hurled it out of the window. Everyone leaned out to see it shatter on the drive below. Samara winced and swore as she pulled herself out of the set, rubbing her head. She was now sporting a black eye. She limped over to the front door and rang the bell.  
  
"Oooh, doorbell! I'll get it," said Will cheerily, heading for the door. Trinity grabbed his arm.  
  
"I really wouldn't do that if I were you," she said warningly.  
  
"There. Done and dusted," said Jack, hurling the VCR out of the window for good measure.  
  
"Ow!" yelled Samara. Her curses against the thrower of the VCR drifted up through the window.  
  
"Well done, Jack, you are quite the craftsman," said Neo sarcastically.  
  
"Right, we seem to have come to a dead end," said Elizabeth. "Shall we return to the first floor landing and try again?"  
  
"Yeah. Go for it," said Trinity unenthusiastically. 


	9. Right, I THINK this might be it,,,,not e...

Everyone shuffled through the door and down the spiral staircase.  
  
"So," said Legolas as they emerged on the landing, "which door now?"  
  
"Well, process of elimination would dictate that it is this one," said Elizabeth, seizing the handle of the final door and pulling it open. A man dressed in a black windcheater and hat with a hook for a hand came out.  
  
"I know what you did last summer," he hissed at Will, holding out a bent spoon.  
  
"I think you mean him," said Will, pointing at Neo, who was trying to hide behind Trinity.  
  
"My apologies," hissed the man, handing Neo the spoon.  
  
"Aaaaaargh! I said I was sorry! I SAID I WAS SORRY!" yelled Neo.  
  
"Right. As I said, I know what you did last summer." The man started to walk away, but then paused, before turning to Jack.  
  
"You too," he hissed, throwing him a lacy corset. Everyone stared.  
  
"Wow!" said Jack, examining the corset. "You know what I did last summer?  
  
Really?"  
  
"Yes," hissed the man, starting to walk away.  
  
"You couldn't tell me, could you? Because I don't," Jack yelled after him.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked the man.  
  
"I don't...err...well, I don't actually remember."  
  
The man shrugged. "Figure it out for yourself, Will."  
  
"Will? I'm not Will," said Jack.  
  
"You're not?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Who is?"  
  
"Him." Jack pointed at Will.  
  
"My mistake," hissed the man, striding back. He seized the corset out of Jack's hand and thrust it into Will's, before striding away.  
  
"So?" said Elizabeth angrily, folding her arms and glaring at Will.  
  
"Erm...honey, I can explain..."  
  
"What did you do last summer, Will?" Her voice was dangerously calm.  
  
"Err...well..."  
  
"I think the question is more 'who did you do last summer,' than 'what'" Jack pointed out unhelpfully.  
  
Elizabeth punched Will in the face and stormed through the door.  
  
"Aaargh! My beautiful face! I can feel it permanently scarring!" yelped Will.  
  
"Oh, shut up, sissy boy," said Jack, pushing him through the door before stamping through after him. Everyone else followed. 


End file.
